I LOVE YOU SON / DAUGHTER
Is it a taboo for fathers to tell their children
that they love them verbally?
Has your dad ever told
you that he loves you verbally either as you face him or via the phone?
Have you ever called
him and told him that you love him and what did he say in response..?
I decided to dare do
the same. I have frequently called my dad who I love so much and told him that I
love him. So far so good, he has never told me that he loves me! From his tone,
I guess he smiles, blushes* and only ends up telling me thank you. He won’t
tell me that he loves me even if I tell him that I love him. He simply smiles
and says thank you every time I hit the ‘TRY AGAIN’ button. This does not mean
that I doubt his love for me but the question begs, is it a taboo to say so or
is it un African or is the past to blame for this predicament?
Let me take a flash
back on how I and most of my friends that I visited or who I have shared time
with in the past have described this man. The father, the Lion, the King of the
Jungle. Kiaritha is my lovely village, a place that I treasure. Guess it may be
more or less a replica of what most rural set ups are like or were like for
those who have either gotten better or worse. Being born and growing up in this
part of the nation must have been a divine plan. Hatched by my maker even
before I was formed in my mum’s womb. For this divine plan to be a reality, He
also went ahead and prepared mum and dad and to me more real, my mother and
father. For the nine months, I must have been just an expectation but later I became
a reality. My maker decided that my manger would be divinely placed in Mathari
Hospital in Nyeri and after that I be ferried back to Kiaritha Village where I would
unfold my puny hands in readiness to grab both the blessings and the troubles
of this world.
Looking back, my
research shows that men of that time were brought up to believe that they were
like lions and once they roared, all
animals in the jungle should have realized
that the King of the Jungle was around and must be prepared for the worst.
I
guess they were fashioned to roar when hungry and cause fracas after feeding.
This could and can be explained by the fact that they demanded for absolutely
everything despite the fact that much of what they asked for was not their
provision but the mere fact that they were lions*, they had unrestricted rights
to everything.
Most women, my mum
included were supposed to do all the donkey work in coffee plantations, maize
fields and other farm related activities up to harvesting but had almost no say
when it was time to sell and enjoy the fruits of their labor. When coffee was
sold and time to get paid was on, the lions could collect all the dues and use
them without consulting their wives. The little children who were also involved
in ‘Child labor’ were also victims of these kind of fathers. Some drunk it all,
married a second or third wife while others had side hustles, ‘mipango ya kando’ whereas others could not
explain how this money ‘evaporated’ from pay table before ‘arriving’ home to
those who helped make it. Mothers had no
right to ask either as this would attract several blows….(For women (wives), I
here that in some cultures, if not beaten often, it means that they are not
loved! An archaic school of thought I believe…
This ‘roaring’ was
extended to cows too as the feeding was done by Mothers and children, Milking
by fathers…(For accountability purpose…….),and delivering it to households and
dairies was done by children, mothers or fathers but the delivery card had to
be cross checked after delivery to ensure that the bottles ‘never broke’ along
the way and the product spilled on the ground….(Guess tree top bottled were the
unit of measure by then….) Any accidental spilling of the milk would attract
punitive measures that would include thorough canning and a night without food
accompanied by a trip to school without breakfast and lunch too…..All this was
a fathers way to discipline a kid that ‘he loves’ and a mothers that he ;loves
too…..In many families, tea without milk was the order of the morning s the
milk was hardly enough to sell and make some tea in house. Love, the hard way I
tell you….
Back in the house, there
was a special seat that no one would dare sit on when the Lion was around.
There was also a special plate, kettle, mug, corner and other privileges given
to the King of the jungle. All of these were all treated with fear as no one
would dare violate them. They were automatic and there was no debate about it.
No one had the guts to tamper with them and question their validity, not even
the lioness. The mandate of the lioness ended with child bearing. There was also
that special bike that was the common mode of transport. No one dared to touch
it lest the fury of the lion be released at will. This was the life.
One would rarely see
the fathers during parents’ meetings in schools as Lionesses were the most dominant
here. May be because the cubs were as foolish as them hence had to shoulder the
burden of curing the disease called foolishness whose hospital was a place
called school. Here, there were other lions namely the headmaster and the
deputy where the deputy was the in charge of discipline. He canned, abused and punished
without mercy. Seeing him from a distance also resulted to one scattering for
his or her safety both in school and even when out of school. He was a ‘respected’
man, not a feared one!
Back home again, most mothers
were not supposed to engage in formal employment as this would be a sign that
the lion is not in control and mother in law, (from the fathers side of course) was supposed to be vigilant so as
to early enough detect any sign of ‘growing horns’ exhibited by the mothers and
immediately would recommend punitive measures that would include a second wife
as the control gear. Matters were made worse if children born out of these
marriages were only female and no sign of males but the worst case scenario was
when there were no children brought forth. The mother in law, the chief justice
to be precise would immediately shop for a replacement and recommend to the
son. The unproductive partner would either be reduced to a laughing stock and
most times sent away for her inability to bring forth children. A fathers/husbands
way of expressing love I bet….
Still at home, kids
could not ask for anything from the lion without asking the intermediary, the
lioness to intervene as this would violate the chain of command. Once the petition is presented, the lion
often said that there was nothing to offer and this was not to be questioned
but later would give but at it’s own time and in a measure that it deemed
right. The foolish* cubs belonged to their mothers until the foolishness was
fully extracted from them in a hospital called school. This was evident when
the exam results evidently proved that the Lion’s genes were the dominant ones
as passing exams and going to the university was a prestigious thing. No one
would speak before a lion whose cub had performed well in exams as this was an
outright sign that it was as wise as the Lion…(Forget not that the lion was
rarely involved in matters education…. Fear, dictatorship, and commanding were
the obvious styles of ruling and this was taken as normal. Women were treated
just like their children and basically has to survive in such a set up. The
Kiaritha way of expressing love…..
The word Love was a
very scarce one that only surfaced when matters boyfriends and girl friends
were discussed and this was not to be heard by the parents especially the lion.
This could have been a taboo that went beyond not being practiced leave alone
being mentioned. Mothers may have expressed the same through actions but not
via the word of mouth. Rarely did I hear a mother or a father tell the children
that they love them. All I may have
heard was a ‘good night son’ from my mum, may be a synonym for ’I love you,
sleep well’ by the standards of the time and in my village to be precise.
My challenge is, pick
your phone, call your father tell him that you love him and wait for a similar
response. Go to your kids tonight, look straight into their eyes and tell them
that you love them if you have not be
telling them. But before this, what is the meaning of ‘I LOVE YOU?’…..
God Commands us to
love. Some may argue that actions speak louder than words whereas others may
say that love is blind and dumb.
Onward:
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